darkness and dreams

sometimes I get so deeply desperately depressed I know I'll never get out of it.. i always do. it's just so heavy a weight of black all over my body from crown to achilles. it eats me alive and I lose my appetite completely. no one understands yet everyone does. it doesn't even make sense to me how could it to you? i get a sick pleasure from how deep i drown in it, like a runners high.. i just want to be so much and i know i am supposed to but then I sabotage myself in one way or another. I have someone else inside me who hates everything and wants me to be just as angry. i fight her. i don't want to be this way i want to be happy and sing but I'm afraid you won't like the scratchy sound of my voice. I awoke this morning in tears from a silly dream but it hurt so badly. people truly hated me and wanted me out of their community i slept in a bush alone and people threw things at me and called me names. my subconscious must know something I don't =(