darkness and dreams

sometimes I get so deeply desperately depressed I know I'll never get out of it.. i always do. it's just so heavy a weight of black all over my body from crown to achilles. it eats me alive and I lose my appetite completely. no one understands yet everyone does. it doesn't even make sense to me how could it to you? i get a sick pleasure from how deep i drown in it, like a runners high.. i just want to be so much and i know i am supposed to but then I sabotage myself in one way or another. I have someone else inside me who hates everything and wants me to be just as angry. i fight her. i don't want to be this way i want to be happy and sing but I'm afraid you won't like the scratchy sound of my voice. I awoke this morning in tears from a silly dream but it hurt so badly. people truly hated me and wanted me out of their community i slept in a bush alone and people threw things at me and called me names. my subconscious must know something I don't =(

Bridal Flowers giveaway!!!

So I am getting married!!! I know I haven't really told anyone so if you are reading this and fell off your chair with shock, surprise!! haha so I have entered a flower giveaway (which we all know costs a pretty penny) here are the details of the contest..

http://bridalgownblog.blogspot.com/2010/11/orange-county-brides-its-very-special.html

wish me luck!!!

Chocolate covered strawberry cupcakes

Reunited and it feels so goood!! =P I missed baking cupcakes this was fun and simple! For my good friend Dee's Birthday

The Master Cleanse..

So I have decided to undertake a cleanse of my body. I have gained weight over the last month due to constant shoving of french fries into my piehole! It's gross and I need to stop this self-sabotage. I am the queen of it by the way. I just LOVE bad food. Why can't I love a piece of broccoli as much as I do mashed potatoes?? oh well. I'm thinking I will start Monday, I was going to go for tomorrow but it's unrealistic. Another one of my faults; I have completely unrealistic expectations of the world and people in it. Even of myself. I live in a fairy tale land.. or at least I attempt to. But what's so wrong with preteding things are perfect to make me feel better? you tell me...

Blogging again..

but I decided I like this whole blogging thing. I have many opinions that cease to become verbalized. So here we are again. I am starting school soon and need to freshen up my writing skills. What better way to do it than blogging! anyhow..

Today: I woke up to a ticket on my rental vehicle stating that my rear end was too far from the curb. I think the city comes by every single morning to make money off my dumb ass. The day got better as it went on, pretty boring but at least no more bad news. I went to the gym even though I felt like shite and when I showered off after the costco-sized-conditioner fell on my foot and actually knocked my off my feet. it was excruciating to say the least. So now that is swelling as I write. Good times. Tomorrow can only be better right?? let's hope!

TGIO

Thank God it's Over! Presentations I mean... what a relief. AND that the essay wasn't due today was a miracle! Things are looking up.. until this weekend; the procrastination stops there!

I'm freaking out man!

When it rains it pours should be the qoute of my life! Okay, that's a bit dramatic. Dang when the end of the semester comes along I get so bogged down. I always tell myself that I am not going to procrastinate this year, but every year it's the same story. Well wish me luck on 2 research reports and 5 essays. Looks like I'll be up til 2am many nights to come.. YESSS!!!